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[13 Jun 2004|12:18pm] |
hey hey hey
Look at this, I'm actually updating. Now if only my computer will stay up long enough for me to post this.
Well, last weekend I went to my friends house weighing 112 and came back weighing 119. Right now I'm at 117, but I still feel like the biggest pig in the world. All I've eaten today is an eggwhite, but I'll probably end up binging like I normally do.
I have no self control.
Tomorrow morning i'm leaving for youth camp and I won't be home until Friday evening, so I wont be able to read any entries, but once I get home that'll probably be the first thing I do.
Okay, well I have to start packing.
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[13 May 2004|10:42pm] |
Alright, not a lot of time to update, but here it goes:
I've been doing great lately, I ent from 118 to 114 in two days.
yesterday I had half a can of peaches (60) and a roll (120) for a grand total of 180,
today I did worse: I had some ice cream and a bowl of cerial, then two pieces of bread, all of which were thuroughly purged until there was nothing but blood and bile. so I guess I shouldn't feel that bad about today.
Tomorrow I figure I'll have the other half of my can of peaches and lots and lots of ice. Hopefully I'll be at 113 tomorrow **crosses fingers**
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[10 May 2004|08:50pm] |
Sorry I havent been around much, i'm at my dads house and he's always around, so I can never get on the computer. I really miss reading all of everyone's entries, especially Amandas.
I got to stay home from school today, I think I have strep throat. All I can remember doing today is waking up, eating pancakes, taking a shower, going to sleep, waking up, eating a cheese sandwich and tomato soup, and now typing this entry. I weigh 118.5 which is the most I've weighed in a loooong time. So tomorrow I'm going to start a fast for however long I can go. I'll hopefully update tomorrow on how it's going. But I'm so tired of having all this extra weight on me, it's literally drivin me crazy.
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[22 Apr 2004|06:00pm] |
I'm sooooooo bored
I have another horse show on May 6 - 9..and I have no one to show..so that'll be fun, huh?
My birthday is in a month and three days! which means that we get out of school in a month and five days! woo hoo!!!
Todays consumption
one cinnamon roll
small bag of doritos
beef stew
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some throwing up to do.
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[19 Apr 2004|10:42pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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evanesence - imaginary |
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I'm home from Oklahoma!!!
here are my placings:
saddle seat eq. any age/breed
3rd of 3
open english pleasure
2nd of 4
saddle seat pleasure eq. 14-17
3rd of 4
open english pleasure championship
2nd of 4
saddle seat eq. championship 14-17
4th of 4
so I did pretty well...except in eq. which is what I normally what I do really well in. So that was odd.
I think i even lost some weight, but I"m too scared to check:-/
well dani's over, so I have to go.
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[15 Apr 2004|11:27am] |
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Okay, this morning I was 115. That's great compared to yesterday atleast. I havent eaten anything yet today and I probably wont have to until dinner when I can just cut my portions into fourths. So I really wont be eating all that much.
I'm leaving in two and a half hours for oklahoma! I'm sooo excited. there are already tons and tons of world champions there, and I'm showing against a few of them. So I guess we'll see how I hold up to them and if it's even worth going to Lexington this year. I need to go finish packing and stuff, so I'll update again on monday!
p.s. I finally redid my layout!
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[14 Apr 2004|05:22pm] |
I'm leaving for the oklahoma horse show tomorrow, and all I've done is gained weight. I was hoping to be thin and pretty by the time I left, but I'm even more fat than I was before. I woke up this morning and my scale said 119. I refuse to believe it, though...mostly because I'm a baby. I don't know what to do, I havent eaten a single thing in the past 2 days and I've gained weight! Maybe I'll eat something small today :-/
anyways, I wont be updating again till sunday. So, not that anybody reads this or anything, but just a warning.
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[10 Apr 2004|10:07pm] |
I have absolutely nothing to say, but I feel the need to update my journal.
Hm...I weighed 117 today...it's a step down from 118, but still not good at all.
So today I had:
1 eggwhite for breakfast
some chips for lunch
yogurt for dinner
and an apple for a snack
pretty good for what I have been eating lately, huh? Yeah..I feel pretty good about it.
I just took 3 stackers, so I should be 116 tomorrow...if I do good with Easter dinner..ugh, scary.
I need to change my passwords
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[08 Apr 2004|07:36pm] |
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I am such a fucking failure. I should be shot. I dont even want to list all the things I've eaten today, all I know is that I probably weigh 120 or something like that. I have absolutely no self control and it's tearing me apart. I remember when I could go with eating just one eggwhite a day, and now I can't go without putting food in my mouth for more than five minutes. God, if I'm going to be living so miserable, what's the point in living at all?
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| Layout, please? |
[07 Apr 2004|08:29pm] |
Today went badly. Very very badly.
breakfast: 2 poptarts and a bananna
lunch: salad
dinner: subway sandwich (6 inches)
snacks: Ice cream, doritos, cashews, angel food cake, reeses
Is it just me, or are the number of calories too many to add today? So, tomorrow, no doubt about it, total restriction. for breakfast I'll have water, at lunch if I get a salad there will be no dressing or cheese on it. and my dinner will be 2 eggwhites with no salt. and of course, no snacks inbetween. Good plan? I think so.
Yeah, so I really need to write in my paper journal more, but I don't really have time. Not that I'm busy doing anything...I just always forget and by the time I remember, it's like 2:00 am. Yuppers. So maybe tonight I'll write in it.
I love my dog, she's the best.
She seriously is the shit.
Intensely overweight beagle.
Beagles are supposed to weigh like 25lbs. and mine weighs 50. She's awsome.
I'm gonna dress up tomorrow and totally shock everyone. I'll be all decked out in white pants, pink flip flops, and a black and pink polka dotted shirt...just to see what people say. Then I get to go to the barn after school, so I'll have to bring a change of clothes. Yeah.
OOOOOOOOO Centenial is coming up!!!!! We're leaving next Thursday at 1:30. Fuck yes baby!
I get to ride Sir, so that'll be cool. He's all big and shit. haha, yes, my long legs look proportional on him!
Alrighty, I'm done.
Wait, no I'm not.
Does anyone know how to make a layout? I will be forever greatful and will do them multiple favors! ha, I can give them a new journal if they really love me :)
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[06 Apr 2004|08:47pm] |
11:20 am
Jesus christ, I ate two chocolate pop tarts and an apple juice for breakfast. I couldn't get out of class to throw up until like 11:00 so not much came up at all. Kind of sucks. I get to leave early today to go to the doctors to get my meds. So I'll get to see how much I weigh on an accurate scale. Neato, right? Mmhmm. I'm gonna go home tonight and do all my exercizes and take two stackers then hopefully go to sleep so I can't feel the effect of the stackers. I figure for dinner I'll have two eggwhites and water. Yummay. Man, everyone in dance this morning kept tellkng me that I looked sad and it made me think about when Dr.Perez told me that I have sad eyes. It kept making me want to look at my eyes! lol. Okay, well I"m going to go get on the computer and do nothing. Update ya' later.
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Right, so I went to the doctors today. They say I'm 5'9" and weigh 118. Pssh, I think I like my scale better than theirs. Mine says 115 lol. So my goal is to really be 115 by the end of this week. Of course, that means I'll have to learn to reset my scale. But I"m sure that'll be kinda easy to do. Anyways, I went to subway right after the doctors, so I didn't eat dinner tonight and I threw up whatever I could from earlier today. Then I took two stackers and I'm about to go do my exercises.
I NEEEEEEEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO A FUCKING LAYOUT!
mmhmm. yes, so anyways...I haven't updated my paper journal in like 5 days. I feel bad about that, but I'm not going to do anything about it because I am a lazy fat ass.I'm thinking about trying to fast for the next 2 days...but I dont know if I'll be able to, so I'll probably decide sometime tomorrow morning :-/
Well I am going to go.
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[05 Apr 2004|08:16pm] |
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I feel a little bit better now, I threw up everything until I was throwing up blood, then took two stackers and then did about a billion crunches and exercises and crap. Now I don't plan on eating anything the rest of the night or tomorrow until my mom picks me up and forces me to eat.
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[05 Apr 2004|04:57pm] |
Oh my fucking god, I weigh 117. I can't remember the last time I weighed this much. I was doing so good up until yesterday when I decided that it would be okay to eat the whole fucking freezer. God damn it. I swear, I am going to throw up so much tonight that my throat fucking dies a horrible and painful death, that way I wont be able to fucking eat anymore. Holy fucking hell. I can't believe this. I have a doctors appt. tomorrow, and if they weigh me and I weigh any more than 116 I swear I will just die. I just drank a whole fucking starbucks chocolate brownie frapuccino. Jesus christ, you know how many calories are in that? Oh my god.
Tonight at midnight I'm starting a fast..no calories whatsoever.
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[02 Apr 2004|09:22pm] |
haha, today was incredibly rediculous.
I came home from my barn at 5 to find the doors locked, my mom not home, and no key. My mom didn't get home till 8:30, so alas, I was alone in the dark with mexicans for 3 and a half hours. Rather scary if I do say so myself. Mmhmm...
guess what else I found out?
over the summer I probably have to go to another eating disorder treatment center.
Do they think they're helping, cus really, they're not. I can still throw up if they wont let me restrict or fast anymore. What retards.
Gah, i quit. I cant think of anything else to say.
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[01 Apr 2004|09:17pm] |
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114. fuck yes baby...only 14 more lb's to go till my short term goal.
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[01 Apr 2004|03:56pm] |
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I've eaten like a fucking pig today. an apple for breakfast, at lunch I had a piece of nasty greasy pizza, 3 fries, and a granola bar...and as I type this i'm eating nasty greasy potato chips. What the fuck was I thinking when I woke up this morning? Apperantly I wasnt or else I wouldnt have started eating. God damn it. I dont know what to do with myself
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[31 Mar 2004|09:39pm] |
I NEEEEEEEEEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO A NEW FUCKING LAYOUT!!
yeah, well today went relatively well. had a orange-bananna smoothie for breakfast then 2 granola bars for lunch then took a stacker. For dinner I had some rice, but after dinner I ate half a fucking pint of chocolate ice creame. Damn having fucking periods that make you crave chocolate like no other!
Well since the Seay Center made me balloon up to 122, I have gotten down to 116. Hopefully 115 by tomorrow. But who knows, right? yeeeeah.
I have lots and lots of homework that I don't plan on doing. I think my highest grade right now is like a 80. That's terrible, but I can't seem to get myself to really care about my grades anymore. I mean, I just got a 0 on a major test grade and I'm not even trying to do anything about it. I don't know, I probably should so I can be eligable for UIL shit...not that I care about UIL or anything...I just need my horse show absences and if I'm not passing, I cant get excused.
Speaking of horse shows, Aprill 13 - 18 is Oklahoma Centennial. I get to show Sir, whoop-dee-fucking-doo. I mean, I love sir, I think the's gorgeous, but it pisses me off that I can't show my own fucking horse when no one else is showing her. I swear, my trainer is incredibly gay. but not much I can do about that, right?
Ah, I have no more Seraquill..my sleepy medicine, and we can't get a refill for like 2 weeks...so my insomnia is making me really mad right now. I want to go to sleep soooo bad. I think I'm going to go try to sleep...maybe some Tylenol PM will help...yes, I'll take a stacker and a tylenol pm and I'll hopefully be good
sorry this post was so incredibly out of order and pointless
goodnight
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[30 Mar 2004|07:59pm] |
Well, I'm finally back. I've been in a treatment center for the past couple of weeks and I just got my computer back. My mom found my other journal and flipped out and sent me to the Seay Center..some gay place for adolescents. I don't know, it was so boring! Like, I thought I was going to die if I had to stay there one more day. But jesus christ, the way my mom brought me in there was so fucked up.
She told me to go home w/ my friend and that we were going to the movies. My friends mom told me that we had to go back to my house to get some money for the movies, and lo and behold when I got home there was my mom, my two sisters, my sisters boyfriend, my other friend and her mom and my friend that was supposed to take me to the movies and her mom sitting in my living room. So they pull this 'we all care about you' shit and then send me to some treatment center where I have been locked up for a while now. They made me gain weight and become hideous. I've already dropped a few pounds since I've been home, but I've been really afraid to weigh myself lately. I dont really want to see how much weight they actually made me gain. Jeez, I really need to start majorly restricting again and exercising. Just make it look like I've been eating, you know? Like take my food in my room then throw it away or something. Oh well, I'll have to contemplate ideas later, I gotta go type a report.
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